During the last five years of his life, the suburban loser:
Joined a birdwatching group that met in the Panera Bread parking lot but left when things got too political
Attended a talk on local history at the library where he learned about early century farming techniques and how the township got its name
Spent entire days using the sauna in the gym locker room
Invited his wife to see the community college production of A Christmas Carol three years in a row
Blamed his wife for holding him back from experiencing things like A Christmas Carol
Saw Morris Day and The Time play at the casino downtown where he and his wife danced all night in the narrow space between the aisle rows
Made a teenage hostess cry after she told him socks were part of the steakhouse dress code, even if he was wearing Italian calf-leather loafers
Bailed his eldest son out of debt by spending a large chunk of money paying off their high interest personal loans
Started to build a cottage on a plot of land up north, but realized too late he picked the wrong contractor so costs ballooned and nothing got done
Took his wife on a trip to Hawaii and got to know the owner of a shaved ice shop on a first name basis and made it a point to pass the shop whenever they left the resort to go hiking in the small nature preserve where the suburban loser would peel back fronds of leaves and look at the ocean waters where he would breathe it all in while he told his wife how amazing it was that a guy like him could make it all the way to an exotic place like Hawaii on his own, and his wife would agree because it was true and because she could tell it was important for the suburban loser to hear things like that, just like it was important for him to hear the shaved ice store owner ask if he wanted the usual during their last day on the island
Organized and paid for his mother's funeral after she died of kidney failure and kept to himself during the wake while his brother and sisters exchanged memories of their dead mother as if the suburban loser wasn't there for most of them, like when she would take them to McDonald's on payday or when she played gin rummy with her grandchildren in the backyard during the spring, and the suburban loser would wonder why they didn’t even offer to pay for the catering if they all loved her so much
Went golfing, voted republican
Meant to send his wife a text that said you make me feel 100 feet tall but accidentally sent it to his eldest son’s wife instead
Learned how to take selfies on his phone and took a ton whenever he was out discovering a local hidden gem, always looking straight at the camera and smiling wide with his mouth slightly open so he looked like the happiest man in the world who just spontaneously took a photo that he'd later post on social media and when no one else was around, like when he was on the toilet in the early hours of the morning, he'd look at the photos and reread all the comments from the people he knew telling him he had bright eyes, white teeth, and a full head of hair
Went bald suddenly, all his hair falling out in patches and lumps, even his eyebrows and eyelashes, until the only hair left was a thin goatee at the base of his chin that just as suddenly turned stark white and made him look like a billygoat, all of which was caused by stress according to the doctor
Quit drinking, smoked a lot of weed
Saw the sun rise over the hills and set over Lake Michigan
Sat outside on a hotel’s covered porch during a summer storm
Bailed his youngest son out of jail after the cops in Ohio pulled him over with a trunk full of weed and spent a large chunk of money on lawyers
Smelled the earthy decay of leaves carried by the crisp air over the burning landscapes of autumn
Sat still like a rabbit during dead winters
Surprised his wife with flowers at work one day for no reason
Wondered if he'd ever become a grandfather
Realized the distance between him and old men in wheelchairs wasn't that far at all if you thought about it